Nursery Rhymes - Sweet or Horrifying?

I love a good sing-song with my daughter. And although she likes good music (The National, Midlake, Kurt Vile) she inevitably loves infinite rounds of Wheels on the Bus and alike. And although some nursery rhymes are excellent, some are pretty awful in many ways. Here's a not-too-serious look at some of the more questionable ones...

Not for the faint-hearted.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

It's raining, it's pouring The old man is snoring He went to bed and he bumped his head And couldn't get up in the morning.

That's right. A man who can only be referred to as 'The old man' presumably because every one around him is young, bumped his head when he went to bed. After this misfortune, he couldn't get up in the morning. Yep. He died. Let's sing about it.

My theory is he was either plastered or was beaten up by young thugs for being the only old man. And we encourage this ageism by singing about it. Shame on us.

Goosey Goosey Gander

Goosey Goosey Gander where shall I wander, Upstairs, downstairs and in my lady's chamber There I met an old man who wouldn't say his prayers, I took him by the left leg and threw him down the stairs.

Another old man who ends up horribly injured. This time, and much more embarrassingly in my opinion, he gets injured by a judgemental, rightous goose. I have two questions. How? And why? I mean, HOW does a goose manage to THROW a human down the stairs unless of course it's a mutant goose almost the same size as a man, like in the picture above.

I also can't believe the goose is so quick to jump to conclusions. The old man might have been helping the other old man who couldn't get up in the morning (see above) or perhaps he was just having a midnight tinkle. Yes, he didn't say his prayers but he might have had a perfectly decent reason. And even if the man was really out of line (let's say he slagged the goose off for wearing such a ridiculous set of dungarees) how does the goose even understand English? Lack of morals, lack of forgiveness and, frankly, lack of accuracy.

There Was An Old Woman

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children, she didn't know what to do.

She gave them some broth without any bread;

And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.

How is she old and yet has so many children? Late menopause? Or was she given them as presents? Either way, when the little blighters cry THROUGH STARVATION AND DISFIGUREMENT FROM LIVING IN A SHOE she whips them. Bad parenting all round. She doesn't even give them a side dish of bread with their main. Savage.

Humpty Dumpty and Jack and Jill

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall All the king’s horses and all the king’s men Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown, And Jill came tumbling after.

Two classics about people (or eggs) who crack their heads open. What is it about singing about people's (or egg's) misfortune? Surely we're encouraging our little ones to laugh at other people? And desensitising them to violence? And increasing the chance of them getting into happy slapping and cow tipping for instance? Just think about that.

Queen of Hearts

The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day; The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away. The King of Hearts called for the tarts and beat the Knave full sore The Knave of Hearts brought back the tarts and vowed he'd steal no more.

Beating knaves is fine apparently. Whatever a knave is. That's the message here. He was probably only on minimum wage. And was probably feeding his family. The King doesn't even need the tarts. He probably didn't even notice. He's just abusing his power and making example out of the poor and desperate. Elitism at its rawest and most distressing.

Simple Simon

Simple Simon met a pieman going to the fair;

Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Let me taste your ware"

Said the pieman to Simple Simon "Show me first your penny"

Said Simple Simon to the pieman "Sir, I have not any!"

Simple Simon went a-fishing for to catch a whale;

All the water he had got was in his mother's pail.

Simple Simon went to look if plums grew on a thistle;

He pricked his fingers very much which made poor Simon whistle.

He went for water in a sieve but soon it all fell through;

And now poor Simple Simon bids you all "Adieu"

Whoever wrote this is a bully through and through. They might as well have referred to Simple Simon and Thick Theo, Stupid Steve or Moron Mike. The nursery rhyme is just a crude list of how simple Simon is and rather than suggesting special educational support or perhaps suggest some disability allowance to help him eat. The writer would rather mock him and watch him starve. I mean, the pure brutality of just letting Simon use a sieve to catch some water when he probably has a spare bit of tupperware lying around (don't we all) is shameful.

Georgie Porgie

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry; When the boys came out to play, Georgie Porgie ran away.

Something's not right. Are the girls being over-sensitive to sweet young man? Are they simply repulsed by his ugliness? Or is it much more sinister? I suspect so. I just don't know why this would ever be made into a song... to warn girls of promiscuous boys? To warn boys of kissing girls?

Either way, it seems apparent that Georgie Porgie acts guilty by legging it when the mob comes. If I could have given him some advice at the scene it would have been: 'George, stop snogging girls, presumably against their will, because otherwise a mob will run after you and parents will be singing songs about your cowardice for centuries to come.' Unfortunately for him no one was their to offer such advice and his name has been slandered for eternity.

Old Mother Hubbard

Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard To get her poor doggie a bone, When she got there The cupboard was bare So the poor little doggie had none.